Life is complicated.
I'm not sure what I feel anymore. About anybody. About me.
I'm not depressed. But I just. . .I don't know.
Everyone's tired of me going on and on and on about him. I've dated like, twenty boys and girls. And I've loved two. TWO.
Sky, in seventh grade and my first kiss.
And Cheyanne, last year.
It was him who said "Only fake emos cut themselves." /He's/ the reason I stopped.
But if he doesn't care, then why should I? Why not cut myself again? Who's going to set me straight this time; who's going to show they care?

Cheyanne, if you're reading this, then listen. Just keep reading. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to be your everything, not your nothing. I wanted to hold you when you're feeling down. You don't know how much it hurt me when your dog died, and I couldn't be there to tell you it was alright. It broke me, it really did. I-I. . .I want to be there for you. If not as a girlfriend, then a /friend/. Thats all I want. For you not to hate me. I want to know how I hurt you and how I can make you better. I want to make sure you knew how I felt, once and for all.

I also don't know what I want out of life. However, I do know what I want. I made a list.

-I want to be held (So I can hold someone)
-I want to be loved (So I can be happy)
-I want to be told "Its okay." (So I can get through the day)
-I want to hold hands (So I can feel close)
-I want a true friend (So I know what one is)
-I want someone who wants me (Because no one does)
-I want not to be hated (Because a lot of people do)
-I want to be a boy for a day (Why not?)
-I want to read minds (I'd know what they're thinking)
-I want to fly (So I can leave all my troubles)
-I want to move away (So I can start fresh)
-I want it to rain (Because it feels nice)
-I want someone to give me roses, chocolates, jewelery, and teddy bears (Because I need to see that I'm loved)
-I want pet frogs (Because then I won't be so lonely)
-I want to die my hair (So I can express myself)
-I want to slap someone (To get out my anger)
-I want a sundae (Because Im hungry)
-I want to lose weight (Because I'm not skinny enough)
-I want to be smart (Because I'm not smart anymore)
-I want HUGS (So I can feel loves)
-I want to succeed (So I can feel superior)
-I want to speak my mind (So they know how I feel)
-I want straight A's (So I can feel accomplished)
-I want to reverse time (So I can fix my mistakes)
-I want to die (So I can leave it all behind)
-I want to live (So I can live for those who can't)
-I want to burn (So I can look pretty)
-I want to scream (To blow off steam)
-I want to jump off a building (To feel wind blowing through my hair)
-I want to forgive and be forgiven (So I wont feel the hate)
-I want to be blind (So I don't have to see them)
-I want war to end; all types (So the drama stops)
-I want to know the truth (So I stop wondering)

I want everyone to forgive me as I forgive them. I don't want to hate Zane, or Cheyanne, or Christie. I don't. I wish I could mend things with them. Because they were originally my friends and thats how it should've stayed.

So I'm going to say it, right now.

ZANE. I'm sorry I hurt you. It was rude and stupid and unkind of me and I'm /sorry/. You're a great kid. A little on the eccentric side, but nothing's wrong with that. You taught me to be myself, no matter what anyone says, and to keep my head held high; because you have. You're brave, and I hope one day you can forgive me for everything I've done.

CHRISTIE. I've been a little mean to you this year. Yeah, I've been a bitch. I'm sorry.

CHEYANNE. I hate lying, I hate dishonesty. You wouldn't tell me the truth, and thats why, spur of the moment, I broke up with you. I regretted it instantly. I felt like you /wanted/ me to break up with you. You glaring at me like you do. . .it tears me up inside. Before you were my boyfriend, you were my friend. I'll do anything to make it better. Im sorry, I'm sorry, I'm /sorry/. We said we would get back together, but /you/ were the one who said you didn't have feelings for me anymore. I'm sorry I ruined what we had. Megan's lucky to have you; I'm glad she makes you happy. You deserve it, really. Maybe with some work and some patience, we can patch things up.



ALRIGHT. I feel much better after getting my feelings out. I love you guys, and I hope things get better real soon.